Today I am going to talk about Poop. Oh that’s right, I said it; Poop! Nothing controls my life more entirely than poop. We all do it. And yet we rarely talk about it. My life has become surrounded by poop. I think about poop all day long. When was the last time I pooped? Will I win a battle in the Poo Games today or will I have to fold my hand and wait for the cards to be dealt again tomorrow? Will it be a “good witch or a bad witch”? Is it going to hit me so suddenly that I will have to do the scoot and waddle or will I be able to walk unnoticed by those around me as to where I am headed? I hate sneaky poops. Hate them with a passion! Especially when in public. Nothing can make me sweat and be more nervous than the poo pains beginning when I am in public. I have mild panic attacks when I am at a friend/ family’s home when I realize that I am about to disappear for a long period of time and everyone will know what I am doing. How can I explain this so that “normal” people will understand? Let me try this: My normal poop is like the worst poop you have ever had in your entire life! Times 3! I am going to share an entry from my poo diaries today for a couple of reasons. Number one, let’s be honest with ourselves here. While poo is embarrassing to talk about, we all have some amazingly hilarious poo stories. I happen to have 100, but today I will only be sharing one. Since it is the holiday season and all. And number two, constipation is a way of life for many people with MS, POTS and many, many other diseases and disorders. It’s the poo that binds us! I wanted to share this story so that my fellow msers would know that others have this problem too! I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH MY POOP TOO AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (The names and location has been changed to protect certain people from their embarrassing role in the story that follows. Parents be advised, some materials may not be suitable for small children. No animals were harmed in the writing of this story.)
Entry One: Merry Poomas!!
Location: Five seconds after finishing Christmas dinner right before opening Christmas presents.
My tummy was full of pie and Christmas cheer. Presents galore in the next room, waiting to be torn into. Loved ones around and children laughing. Ah, you gotta love the holidays! In the middle of all this Christmas spirit I am enjoying, there is a knock at the door. I turn to see and there is no one there. I look around to see if anyone else heard it too. Nothing. Then I hear it again, this time louder with more emergency. But again, no one is there. Then I hear a voice. “Jessica, this is your poo knocking. It is time. This is happening now and there isn’t a single thing you can do about it.” An overwhelming sense of panic and pure fear rushes over me. That is when the bartering begins. “Oh ye poo god, please don’t do this to me today! Not today. I will do anything. Take anything. Eat anything! Just please, please not here, not now.” But it was a waste of time. I excuse myself and head to the bathroom furthest from everyone in the house. I make sure the door locks behind me and roll up my sleeves, “I got this!”
After some time passes, I am able to make myself relax enough that I make a little progress, then there is an actual knock on the door and everything is sucked right back up to where I started from. “The kids are ready to open presents, we are all waiting for you.” The most relaxing words a constipated gal has ever heard on Christmas day!!! I would like to say that the poo fairies dance around my head and sang songs of pooy Christmas cheer, blessed me and that I was out in a moment to join in the fun, but no. I got the demon poop with horns and fire and smoke! Thankfully I am able to end things in a rather painful but timely manner and am very proud of this. I breathe a sigh of relief, I haven’t ruined Christmas for anyone or myself! Every thing is going to be just fine… adorable, right? I stand to see my prize and push the lever to flush it away to join the land of Christmas Poos around the world! And yet, nothing happens. My poo is not only too big to flush in one piece, it is actually bigger around than the drain and has blocked even water from passing thru. It has turned into a giant, smelly plug. A poo log, if you will. Panic. PAnic. PANIC sets in! I reach down and turn the water off, thankfully this wasn’t my first time. But now I was left with pure fear… “How am I suppose to get this sucker to go down?” I start opening every drawer and every cabinet I could trying to find something that can help. Anything! Soap. Hand towels. Baby power. Nothing useful to me in this particular situation I have made for myself. I realize I must bravely pass thru the door, leave my poo unattended and try to find something that can help; all while not revealing my smelly truth. I put the lid down and unlock the door. Slowly I open it and peak my head out just enough where I can listen to the sounds around me. Okay good, everyone is in the living room, I will be unnoticed! I open the door fully and see a small child of maybe three or four, staring at me, wide-eyed and innocent. So pure and unaware of the dangers that lie ahead, beyond the door in front of her. “Tessica, Tessica, it’s time to open presents, are you coming? We can’t start Christmas without you!” The child’s sweetness all but breaks my heart. I would like to tell her that I am on my way, that Christmas will soon begin where we will all be together, singing songs of Christmas cheer. But nay, I know that is not in the cards, not for me anyway. “Yes honey, I will be there in just a moment.” Thankfully this appeases her and she skips back innocently towards the living room. I then see the door to a closet is opened and can see clothes hanging. A hanger! I can find a metal hanger and use that to break it up and then it will flush in pieces and no one will ever have to know what has really taken place on this day! I find one that is hanging there naked, grab it and dart back into the bathroom.
I’m kind of hazy as to what happens next. Only thing I can remember specifically to tell you is that the hanger idea did not go according to planned, that water was splashed anywhere and everywhere, my eyes were burning and now I had an even bigger mess than before. I clean myself up as quickly as I can and accept defeat. The poo has won, I must fold and ask for help. I walk slowly into the living room and quietly ask if… (for the sake of protecting the loved one who is about to turn into my partner in crime in this griping poo-clusion, we are going to say that this person was actually my Yorki, Rowdy, who would be morbidly offended if he knew I was using his name falsely but I will never disclose this information to him, so we are okay there.) Rowdy can follow me into the next room. Someone asks me what is wrong and I say that my tummy is upset and that they should start opening the presents without me, that we will be gone a while.
I bring Rowdy up to speed with what has taken place in my absence and he stares at me with his big brown puppy dog eyes. “Okay, let’s see what we can do about this” he innocently replies. I have obviously not disclosed enough truth about the situation that lies behind the door as he seems mildly amused at this. I watch the smile drop from his face once he makes his way to my porcelain hell and lifts the lid. “What did you do? How did you do this? Are you okay?” I pooped, I pushed and no, I am not okay. Rowdy looks deep into my eyes and says “I know what I must do, go back into the living room and I will join you soon. I am a dog, they will not miss my presence and you will not miss out on Christmas with your family.” He begins to roll up his fur and take off his puppy shoes. Rowdy is so very brave to me in that moment, I realize right in that moment that I have chosen the right dog to have in my life. I kiss him goodbye and wish him luck on his journey into the fiery gates of poo land.
What happened that day in the bathroom is a legend. I am not sure if Rowdy ever 100% told me exactly what took place while I wasn’t in there. After all, he spends most of his days chasing squirrels and eating his own poop so why would he remember specifics about mine? I know he had to use his bare paws at one point and later I was trying to give him a bath in the sink and cover his body with baby powder to get the smell off his fur. Either way, he is the best dog I have ever had and his level of commitment to me is UN-ending. If everyone could find a dog that is as loyal as Rowdy, we would all live such happier lives. I snuggled him a little tighter that evening and he got plenty of puppy treats and belly rubs.
This was a Christmas that will stand out for the rest of my life. I hadn’t been diagnosed with MS or POTS yet, so at the time this was one of the most embarrassing experiences/ poos of my life. Very few people in my life have actually heard the story of the Christmas Poo, and I know some of them will wonder if they were in that living room on this fateful day. They will always wonder though. I and Rowdy are now bonded for life in a way that not a lot of “dog owners” can be bonded with their pets. And we will always be bonded, because of the poo. The poop brought us closer together. I can appreciate this experience so much more now than I could at the time. Our human- dog relationship was put to its limits on this smelly Christmas day and I’m glad that we, along with the poo, rose to the top! Thank you for reading. Even if you were uncomfortable at times, I hope this story can help you feel less alone, more understanding that these things happen to the best of us. I know times can be hard, and we can be placed in some ridiculous situations because of the things our bodies put us thru. But I hope it made you smile and that you keep smiling. Happy pooing to all and to all a good poop! 🙂